the search engine post

“I think I’m boring people with my blog,” I said to Chris last night, as we were making dinner.

And he said, “Well, you know…Pico Iyer.”

Yes, I know, I know. My little essay project is self-indulgent and academic. It probably scares off more readers than it interests.

So I started another post, which turned into an earnest, humorless treatise on homeschooling. 

No, no, no! I need something light and fun! With happy family pictures of an inspiring activity!

Don’t have it.

It’s time for the search engine post.

One of my favorite parts of blogging is getting to see on my Blog Stats just what search engine terms people use to get to my blog. It’s always entertaining–sometimes because I can’t believe people would type such phrases into a search engine, sometimes because I can’t believe that a particular phrase led to my blog. Consider:

2 big plants in ebb and flow. What does this mean? And why did it lead you to my blog?

how baby Pokemon are made. Well, you see, first you take a mommy Pokemon, and a then you take a daddy Pokemon…

Pokemon satin evil little children. Oh, this must have linked to my tutorial for stitching up evil little Pokemon children out of satin. Not. (And doesn’t this searcher seem a tad angry?)

scarry and bald. Eww. I will have you know that I’ve never written about anyone who was scarry and bald. I have written about Richard Scarry and my (now-grown) bald baby son, however. 

Where is Jon Bon Jovi’s house? First of all, let me offer a little search engine advice. You don’t type in questions as if Google is an all-knowing oracle. (Oh, no–now I’m going to end up on searches for Google and Oracle…) You type in phrases which are likely to appear on the document you’re looking for. And then there’s the Bon Jovi thing. Ever since I wrote that post about Mr. T loving Bon Jovi back in February, I’ve gotten a Bon Jovi hit to my blog almost daily. Those searchers must be mighty disappointed when they get here and find Pico Iyer. And no, I don’t know where Jon Bon Jovi’s house is.

Wow she stunning. Wow she stunning? Really? And this led you to my blog? Why, thank you. I think.

I don’t like Sandra Dodd. I’m sorry. Did typing that into a search engine make you feel better? I kinda like her, myself.

machine stitched purple guilt. This is one of my all-time favorites. It’s so poetic. Of course, H pretty much shot the beauty out of the thing when he pointed out that the blog searcher was probably trying to type “machine stitched purple quilt”.

Wii children playing too much waldorf. I get lots and lots of Waldorf hits, coming for the My Waldorf Guilt posts. But this one takes the cake. H and I like to picture little animated Wii miis on the TV, playing with wooden kitchens and toy trolls. It’s all about word order, folks.

Van Halen waldorf. I can’t imagine what this person was looking for. Did they think that Eddie Van Halen is a practitioner of Waldorf? Somehow, I just don’t see it.

I try inventing myself every day. Well, good for you. And I hope typing that into a search engine is empowering. But I have no idea how this led you to my blog.

How to cultivate genius kids. I guess I let this searcher down, big time. But I’d sure love to know what he or she found out.

So, dear readers, do any of you follow the searches to your blog? Got any good ones? (Hey, beats Pico Iyer! Poor Pico…)

25 comments… add one
  • Tara Reese Sep 14, 2009 @ 9:09

    oh my gosh- laughing like this in the morning, i’m hopeful for the rest of my day! each of these little entries was so hilarious. i wasn’t bored in the slightest!
    embarrassing story… before i knew about being able to look at blog stats, i discovered that an ex-boyfriend of mine was one of the original bloggers, with long, daily posts for years and years. i wondered if any of them were about me. SO, i typed in his blog name, and my name, and when he checked his stats, there was my obvious google stalking for him to see. lovely.
    i haven’t started checking my stats yet. i think the inklings of compulsive disorder that i see in myself would suddenly become front and center. this post is tempting me to go peek!

    • patricia Sep 14, 2009 @ 14:31

      Oops, that ex-boyfriend story is funny! I also remember when I started this blog, and realized for the first time that while internet searches are anonymous, they don’t necessarily go unnoticed. I couldn’t recall any specific incidents, but I’m sure I must have incriminated myself too, before I knew better.

      And yes, the stat thing. It’s a dark and scary path to get tempted down–don’t go! Then again, for every time the numbers disappoint, there are those search engine terms to give a giggle.

  • Lise Sep 14, 2009 @ 10:51

    “Weird purple house.” Well, yes, I live in a purple house, but I think it’s quite beautiful–and so do my neighbors who worried when I said that was my plan. But hey, if it brings you to me…

    • Unka Bee Sep 14, 2009 @ 13:48

      Ejicate me. Where do you find the search information? I use Google Analytics Settings to see where the people are located that visit the Buzz In The Dale. (I notice you have not been by a few days. LOL) I usually check daily and I am amazed where some of them are. Yesterday I got five hits from Brazil. I believe that may be someone in our Backwards Beekeepers group. The one I am very curious about is someone near Toronto Canada in a town named Don Mills. This person stops by several times a week.
      I can get down to the city level and the internet provider but no names, addresses etc.

      • patricia Sep 14, 2009 @ 14:41

        I have a WordPress blog, which has a built-in Blog Stats feature that tells me all this fun stuff.

        Let’s ask my new friend, Lise, who commented above, how she finds which searches lead to her blog. She’s on Blogspot, like you are.

        I’ve never tried looking at my visitors via their location. It’s kind of creepy to realize that people can do that. And here I was, feeling so anonymous, slinking around on the internet. And how do you know I’m the only person from Oaktown stopping by your blog? Maybe some of my friends found you here…

        Happy belated birthday.

    • patricia Sep 14, 2009 @ 14:35

      Hi Lise! Thanks so much for stopping by. Why do you think someone was searching “weird purple house” anyway? People sure are goofy.

      And hey, my uncle just commented, and wondered how to check on his own blog searches. He’s on Blogspot, so I wasn’t sure what to tell him, but then I saw that you’re on Blogspot too. How do you find out what searches lead to your blog?

  • Kristin Sep 15, 2009 @ 8:31

    I think it’s fine that you write your essay critiques. I have to admit that I draw a blank on commenting on them though–but I still read them. Comments don’t always matter; people from all over the world are accessing your information and that’s cool. Your blog topics are thought provoking and engaging. I like that fact that your blog is not just one topic.

    Sometimes when I think my blogging is a waste of time because no one is reading it, I just have to follow my passion for writing and trust that my worries aren’t accurate. I recently added site meter to my blog so I too may keep track of demographics, but I don’t have a feature that states what the exact words used to search were. It is pretty weird and funny what people type in and strange that everything one does on-line at our own seemingly private desk may be monitored by another.

    • patricia Sep 15, 2009 @ 14:14

      Yes, well, I will keep on writing those essayists postings because I’m learning so much from them. But after I post one, it is nice to shake things up a bit. I don’t want people to forget that I’m a goofball. (Probably no worries there.)

  • Angela Sep 15, 2009 @ 12:33

    This is one funny post!

    Do you think they meant “Satan” and not “satin”? just wondering.

    No funny searches have lead people to me. Seems I just get a lot of people that want to find me but can’t commit the url to memory … or a bookmark.

    Re google analytics, you have go in and open up the pie chart that details “Traffic Sources” then open up the link for each search engine. That will give you the specific terms used.

    • patricia Sep 15, 2009 @ 14:18

      Oh yes, I think they meant “satan”. I should have alluded to that in my snarky response. That was what I meant by them sounding a tad angry: who writes “pokemon satan evil little children” in a search engine? I guess people who don’t know how to spell…

      I’ll forward the google analytics info to my uncle. Thanks!

  • stefaneener Sep 15, 2009 @ 14:07

    Oh, whee — this made me laugh. I especially like the ridiculous yet so apt misspellings. I must check mine. Really. when I have time. Really.

    • patricia Sep 15, 2009 @ 14:27

      Something told me you might like this one…

      With wordpress, the searches pop right up on the stats page, so I don’t have to go looking for them. But I started copying the best ones into a word doc because they just crack me up so much. Just today I got a hit off of “sigmund freud paintings”. What is a Sigmund Freud painting? And what the heck did I write on my blog that would link this search to me?

  • melissa s. Sep 16, 2009 @ 16:09

    Oh my, the waldorfed out wii children? Now that’s humor and irony at it’s finest. (And, I’m always happy to read your essayist and homeschooling posts too!!!)

    • patricia Sep 16, 2009 @ 17:14

      That one is my absolute favorite. You have to understand both Wii and Waldorf to really get it–and that’s sort of a self-canceling reality. But for the few of us who *do* get it, it’s a crack-up!

  • Tara Reese Sep 16, 2009 @ 22:06

    i think you should make waldorfed out wii children t-shirts to promote your blog. i would so wear one.
    and so would my kids 🙂

    • patricia Sep 17, 2009 @ 21:59

      Now those would be something! I love it.

      I missed you today!

  • molly Sep 18, 2009 @ 17:03

    well i’m pretty sure our waldorf school up here wouldn’t allow those wii children t-shirts. you can’t wear any logos to school. only organic cotton and wool. of course, when you’re home playing wii, you can wear whatever you’d like! this post is cracking me up. i’m on blogspot as well and have no idea how to track search engine traffic. though i’d be highly embarassed if anyone every saw my own search engine entries. i’ve googled some weird stuff, i tell you!

    • patricia Sep 19, 2009 @ 23:24

      Really, the shirts won’t be allowed at your waldorf school? Well, we do have another shirt option, this time done in organic cotton and soy-based ink. It features Pokemon satan evil little children, appliqued in satin! (The satin isn’t organic, but the evil little children do have organic red lentils for eyes.)

      Let me know how many you’d like.

  • Jess Sep 19, 2009 @ 23:34

    Honestly, I cannot remember how I ended up reading your blog, but I do know that Eddie Van Halen has a son named Wolfgang!

    I do enjoy coming here!

    • patricia Sep 21, 2009 @ 14:59

      Oh, I don’t care how folks get here–even if it’s by typing I try inventing myself every day. So long as they come back!

      And I’ll bet you’re right: Wolfgang Van Halen/Waldorf Van Halen. I guess I can see the mistake. Neither is a very likely name for a kid!

      Thanks for coming by, Jess, whatever route you took.

  • Kelly Corrigan Sep 29, 2009 @ 13:19

    I love your work. Your writing, your energy, your photographs. Totally excellent.

    I am going to share your shots with my publisher and see if they might want to talk to you about using some of them in my next book.


    Kelly Corrigan
    The Middle Place

    • patricia Sep 30, 2009 @ 9:40

      Kelly Corrigan?!! I’m off to deliver my shock and awe privately…

  • Kelly Corrigan Sep 29, 2009 @ 13:21

    Please send your email — thanks Patricia

  • Angela Mar 9, 2010 @ 16:53

    So I read this when you posted it and laughed and laughed. But sadly I had nothing funny to report in the comments section. Until now.

    Yesterday (or the day before, I suppose) someone came to my blog after Googling the phrase “he pulled down my underwear.”

    I can only imagine how disappointed they were when they found … ME. (-;

    For the record, doing a Google search for that term is not for the faint of heart. You will come up with three pages of “Oh! My eyes!” and one entry for Camp Wolff.

    • patricia Mar 10, 2010 @ 23:43

      That’s hilarious. I will just have to trust you on what a Google search for the phrase might pull up. Although I’m curious about how “he pulled down my underwear” appeared on your blog.

      Ha! I just realized something. Now when someone googles that phrase, they’ll find three pages of nasty stuff, and your blog–and mine.

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